remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize