Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize