so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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