She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize