the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
