Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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