It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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