If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
