wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
