If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
