Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize