if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
