everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The power of my boobs compel you
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I touched a dick in church today
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
