Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
