True but thats because hes a fetus.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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