Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Can I color on your dick again?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
