the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
