He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You left your underwear on the fireplace
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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