My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
