PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
