She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
