So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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