There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
