I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
