You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
