So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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