How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
