I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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