i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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