I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
