I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
