This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
