The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
