Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
