Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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