New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i dont even know how to be here
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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