"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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