he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
