I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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