I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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