i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
