ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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