I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
not ubering you a puppy
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
