I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
