I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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