I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
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