if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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