I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
