remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
