What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
