I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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