You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
