im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
