My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize