If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize