I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
