what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We're too hungover to prance.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
