there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize