I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
