I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
