please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
