the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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