dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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