sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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