my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
