Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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