I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
