i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
